May 6, 2004
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My son has his first semi-regular job now. He is 17 1/2 years old and will graduate from high school in June. He’s working for a small electronics company that is owned by a friend of mine. He is doing a lot of miscellaneous stuff ranging from clean up to soldering circuit boards. He really likes it. I can tell by the grin that escapes whenever he talks about it. A big part of the trip for him is the adult, independance thing. Knowing my friend, he is probably talking to son as he would any other adult; give him a task, expect it to get done, enough direction without over-doing it.
In hind sight, I should have forced this several (maybe a couple) years ago. I could run through all the reasons and rationals that were imposed for not requiring that my children get part time work during their high school years, but that just opens up room for debate and more rationalization. And, that is not what is on my mind. I am done with that part of child raising and I don’t plan on writing another “how to” book for raising chidren, so I am just not going to bother my overloaded brain with determining what I “should” have done and telling the rest of you what you should do. What I did want to reflect on (very briefly) is that this seems to be a pervasive part of parenting; lamenting over what was done and what could have been done better. Those of us that are astute enough to realize this ahead of time, begin their fretting process early in the game, make well-devised plans for doing it “right”, and then join the rest of us at the end of the cycle who are trying to identify the “if-onlies” that might have improved or at least changed the outcome. Part of the question is, “what outcome are we after?”. Whenever I contemplate this issue or overhear conversations that focus on raising children I usually end up in the same state of indecisive confussion. I think one of the missing links in the whole thought process is the variability in the the little mounds of clay that we are trying to mold into perfect human beans (this particular spelling error was an attempt at humor; how’d it work?). Picture the new parent at the head of an inclined ramp. At the bottom of the ramp is a number of slots which are numbered from 1 to 10. The goal is to roll your little ball of a child down the ramp and have it end up in the number 10 slot which we have been told is the place to be. Now, it’s obvious that if you hold the ball just in the right place at the top of the ramp, take into account the compound angle of inclination, windage, etc.; you will be able to release the ball with just the right touch and watch as the little thing rolls down the ramp, straight into #10 slot. The thing that most of us tend to not notice is that our little ball is shaped like a football, rather than a soccer ball.
Comments (6)
Oh, my. Trust an engineer to equate the raising of a child with a — a — a pinball game.
Okay, now that the “snide” is out of my system, to the serious part: I loved “begin the fretting process early in the game,” because that’s so exactly right-on. In fact, those in the know unconsciously began their fretting process when their own frustrated parents let slip some sort of admonition to the effect of “Wait ’til YOU’RE a parent,” ’round about the teen years. We thought we could do better. Well. HA; the joke’s on us!
What I wish I could excise, from my parents’ mind, from my children’s mind, from my own mind above all, is that comparative judgement part of the deal. Recently, a best friend’s kid won a writing contest my daughter had also entered. I really had to work to be happy for her. I really had to work not to be furious at myself, and my kid, for not “doing it right,” whatever that was (more ass-kissing, better prose, better topic — whatever).
I just wish we could all recognize the vital importance of that issue you so cleverly concelaed in a passing comment “The goal is to roll your little ball of a child down the ramp and have it end up in the number 10 slot which we have been told is the place to be.”
Damnit. If only we (read “me”) could all start being interested in 1-through-9.
Tell me it isn’t hard.
Tell me how to do it.
[sigh]
Hindsight bias is something I can rather do without. I console myself with the fact that my intentions were good, and that as long as you remain optimistic, something positive will come from it.
I just wrote a long comment and lost it all.
Xanga is supposed to send comments to the clipboard so you don’t lose them. I’ll have to leave you with a lame “good post.”
i didn’t realize you had an impending graduate in the house, too. heh. if i make it thru may, i’ll be glad.
the job thing…sarah didn’t start to work as early as most of her friends but she’s been working on and off for about two years. she’s had to take very flexible jobs though because of her sports. it’s not something i agreed she should have to do…but i’m often outvoted one to one. not sure who made those rules. anyway…she’s seemed to enjoy it…and she has liked having the money. as little time as she spent on homework, i didn’t worry too much about that being an issue.
Sometimes I think kids learn lessons ok in spite of their parents. I know I did.. when I was a kid. Like.. I’m pretty sure “loving’s” kid learned the very lesson she wanted her to learn.
Is it all due to Mother’s Day, this common thread weaving between entries about parenting? We all seem bent to post about our own failures as parents and many of us applauding our own parents for the job they did.
True, what so many stated and I especially agree with your football vs. soccer ball analogy.
I think from what I’ve read of your entries so far, you’re a good parent, in as much as any of us are ‘good’ and you do the best you know at the time, as any of us do. I’ve heard it said, there are job manuals for so many positions, but the most imortant job anyone will ever hold is being a parent and no handbook comes with the position… unless you use the scripture I guess… another topic, still amibiguous at times… I ramble so … gonna go for now… *sigh*
good post
Deb